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DEAREST ASSHOLE WHO SPAWNED ME AND/OR CONTRIBUTED TO MY DEVELOPMENT AS A MALIGNANT GRUNTING BIPED,

DEAR MOM,

I GOT YOUR PACKAGE YESTERDAY. THANKS FOR THE CARD AND THE IDLIS. EVERYBODY REALLY LIKED THEM ALTHOUGH THE STAFF HAD TO KEEP THE CHUTNEY JAR AT THE DESK BECAUSE IT’S GLASS. 

THIS HUGE WEIRD HIPPY CLOWN GUY I KNOW ATE MOST OF THE LEFTOVER CHUTNEY BY HIMSELF. IT WAS ABSOLUTE DEBAUCHERY AND HORRIFYING TO WITNESS. HE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SEND A RECIPE. I THINK HE’S IN LOVE.

THE SHIRT WAS REALLY NICE BUT IT DIDN’T FIT SO I GAVE IT TO JADE. I HOPE YOU DON’T MIND. SHE SAYS TO TELL YOU THAT IT IS, AND I QUOTE, “OHMYGOD PRETTY.” IT LOOKS GREAT ON HER. YOU’D LIKE JADE A LOT IF YOU MET HER. I THINK WE’RE SORT OF FRIENDS NOW? I GUESS I MIGHT BE MAKING SOME PROGRESS DEALING WITH OTHER PEOPLE MY AGE, BUT DON’T FLIP OUT. 

DON’T WORRY ABOUT GETTING ME ANOTHER SHIRT. I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH STUFF HERE SO NO NEED TO MOM OUT OR ANYTHING. I COULD USE SOME MORE SOCKS THOUGH, THE PLAIN BLACK ONES THAT COME IN A TEN PACK. PLEASE NO COLORS OR PATTERNS, I HAVE ENOUGH OF THOSE AND I DON’T REALLY WEAR THEM.

THE POSTER IS OVER MY BED NOW WHERE I CAN LOOK AT IT WHEN I’M IN MY ROOM.  I AM GOING TO ASK DEUCE TO SIGN IT NEXT TIME I SEE HIM. HIS KID’S IN HERE TOO. I THINK IT’S OK IF I TELL YOU THAT, SINCE CAPTOR DOESN’T CARE. SMALL WORLD HUH.

EVERYTHING’S GOING FINE. WE TALKED ABOUT MY YEAR’S GOALS IN THERAPY TODAY AND IT WAS ALL RIGHT. I DIDN’T GET MAD TODAY. 

I MISS YOU.

SORRY I DIDN’T COME SEE YOU WHEN YOU WERE HERE. I’M NOT READY YET I GUESS. THAT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU KNOW HOW I GET.

ANYWAY THANKS FOR NOT ABORTING ME. THAT WAS SWELL.

-KARKAT

PS - I DIDN’T SWEAR ALL DAY. JUST FOR YOU.