Posts tagged brainbent
Brainbent
We're all mad here.
St. Lobaf Promotional Pamphlet: Front
Welcome to the St. Lobaf Residential Treatment Center, located in the beautiful green hills of Northfield, Minnesota. The sign on the freeway promises “Cows, Colleges and Contentment” in this charming city, and we think you’ll agree.
OH BULLSHIT. LITERALLY. THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE A HOBO’S ASSHOLE DRYING IN THE SUN AND IS FULL OF DOUCHEBAGS IN SKINNY JEANS WHO CAN’T DRIVE FOR SHIT. AND FARMS.
Our campus boasts a full gymnasium, indoor pool, tennis courts and even a baseball diamond. Clients can borrow a bike and take advantage of miles of paved cycling trails, hike through the world-famous Carleton Arboretum, or even go kayaking down the picturesque Cannon River.
WHAT. ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING. KAYAKING? WALKS IN THE FUCKING WOODS? THEY DON’T EVEN LET US WALK OUT THE FRONT DOOR WITHOUT SOME SWEATY DIPSHIT CLINGING TO OUR STRAITJACKETS AND GRUNTING ABOUT INSURANCE AND LIABILITY.
Our facility has 16 fully furnished units for long-term residential stays, and our friendly staff are trained to provide 24-hour care. On-site staff are ready to assist residents with anything from basic homemaking to crisis intervention. It is our goal to create a pleasant and calm environment for rehabilitation.
Call XXX-XXX-XXXX to speak with a care coordinator about our provided services, or to set up a tour of the campus.
See the other side of this pamphlet for our current faculty roster.
BLUH BLUH ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.
KARKAT VANTAS (RESIDENT)
AGE: 18
Institutionalized 1 week ago. Anger issues, panic attacks, depression. Won’t come out of his room. Lost computer privileges after getting in a fight with another resident.
SOLLUX CAPTOR (RESIDENT)
AGE: 20
Most recently re-admitted to care this afternoon upon being released from county hospital following overdose. Forgot to change out of the gown before transfer. Will be surrendering glasses, body jewelry and dignity to staff as soon as this portrait is uploaded. Reclusive or obnoxiously social depending on mood.
Current holder of the Fucking Ugly Stuffed Bee.
SPOILER: KARKAT LOST THE FIGHT.
THE FUCKING UGLY STUFFED BEE IS THE VILLAGE TWO-WHEEL DEVICE FOR WHINY ANGST SNUGGLES. ITS POSSESSION MARKS YOU PERMANENTLY AS A COMPLETE PUSSY, END OF STORY.
JOHN EGBERT (RESIDENT)
AGE: 18
Admitted six weeks ago, signed own admission slip accompanied by father. Tells anyone who asks that he is here because his “prankster’s gambit is at an all-time low”. Plays jokes on staff and other residents and has a contagious giggle.
Remains the only resident who can coax Karkat out of his room.
A COMPLETE TOOL WHO VOLUNTARILY PARTICIPATES IN ART THERAPY AND HAS GLUED MACARONI TO MORE THINGS THAN I CARE TO RECALL, MYSELF FUCKING INCLUDED.
WHAT’S THIS KID’S DEAL???
UGLY AND UTILITARIAN. ALSO MY ROOMMATE IS A LUNATIC. JUST ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY AT ST. JACKOFF’S HOME FOR UNWANTED BRAINS. OH GOD WHAT AM I SMELLING IN HERE? OH JESUS CHRIST WHO EVEN KEEPS HOT DOGS UNDER THEIR BED? THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY, NUTJOB. FUCK YOU, FUCK MY LIFE AND ESPECIALLY FUCK THIS PLACE. I’M LEAVING.
can 2omeone plea2e go 2uffocate that kiid wiith a piillow 2o the re2t of u2 can get 2ome 2leep?
YEAH I SEE YOU FLIPPING ME OFF OVER THERE. NICE MANICURE, FOUR-EYES.
oh 2hiit.
hehehe.
cake is a spongy mockery of true confection and you can quote me on that. i am so having birthday pie next year.
sorry dad, but i gotta be who i am.
aa ii2 pretty niice, 2he vii2iit2 every day. ii dont know why 2he bother2 but whatever.
the bee ii2 all riight, ii gue22.
EQUIUS ZAHHAK (STAFF)
AGE: 35
Live-in supervisor for the male dormitory of St. Lobaf. Breaks up altercations and gives STRONG assistance as needed. Has been voted ‘silkiest hair of the entire staff’ every year since he joined the faculty. Trained nurse with 5 years paramedic experience before that. Police academy drop-out.
A little bit on the off-putting side in terms of personality. Virtually no sense of humor, and a strictly by-the-book enforcer of clinic procedure.
The mere thought of his powerful and slightly damp embrace is often enough to calm the most volatile temper tantrum.
D –> To whomever is hiding small containers of chicken nuggets in the bathroom vent: you will stop.
BUT I GUESS OTHER THAN BEING A COMPLETE DORK AND THE SOURCE OF ALL THINGS PLUSH AND NIGHTMARISH IN THIS SHITHOLE, HE’S FAIRLY HARMLESS.
COMPARED TO SWEATY MCDOUCHESWEAT AND DOCTOR TONGUE, I MEAN. KEEP IN MIND THIS SHIT IS COMPLETELY RELATIVE WHEN YOU ARE DEALING WITH THE ENEMY.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, I’M SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING OUT OF HERE IN A MOMENT.
SEE YOU ON THE FLIPSIDE, SHITPIRATES. KARKAT VANTAS HAS A BUS TO CATCH.
FUCK YOU LOBAF.
FUCK YOU AND DIE.
not piictured: the 2weaty dude carryiing hiim back liike two 2econd2 later, 2creamiing about poliice brutaliity. oh well. ii gue22 iim never getting any 2leep iin thii2 place.
..
2hiit.
where2 my bee?
Fucking Ugly Stuffed Bee from brainbent, because the world needs more technicolor plush animals like what you get from a claw machine.
[oh my god it is the most horrible thing i have ever seen, WHY DO I WANT TO SNUGGLE IT ALL OF A SUDDEN]
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sEE, THAT’S WHY WE HAVE HER, UH, ON STAFF,
aS AN HONORARY TEAM MEMBER, SORT OF, DUE TO HER SPECIAL TALENTS,
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maybe iit2 niice two have 2omethiing 2oft two hold 2ometiime2. liike when you feel alone or whatever.
ugh FUCK, why doe2 everythiing ii 2ay 2ound 2o 2tupiid.
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OH MY GOD!!!
WHO PUT THE SMILING PLUSH ANTICHRIST IN MY BED?
CAPTOR I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU.
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